IRIS: I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true
Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting"
Oh, what an extraordinary thought!
Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that,
but I'm more than willing to believe Shakespeare had
I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should
I'm constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives
It was Shakespeare who also said, "Love is blind"
Now that is something I know to be true
For some, quite inexplicably, love fades
For others, love is simply lost
But then, of course, love can also be found,
even if just for the night
And then there's another kind of love,
the cruellest kind,
the one that almost kills its victims
It's called unrequited love
Of that, I am an expert
Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other,
but what about the rest of us?
What about our stories,
those of us who fall in love alone?
We are the victims of the one-sided affair
We are the cursed of the loved ones
We are the unloved ones,
the walking wounded,
the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space
Yes, you are looking at one such individual
and I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years,
the absolute worst years of my life
The worst Christmases, the worst birthdays,
New Year's Eves brought in by tears and Valium
These years that I've been in love have been the darkest days of my life,
all because I've been cursed by being in love with a man
who does not and will not love me back
Oh, God, just the sight of him
Heart pounding, throat thickening, absolutely can't swallow
All the usual symptoms
Oh, Jasper Don't tell me you're still
No, no, no, no, that's over Very over
What's the story with you two, anyway?
You were shagging him, weren't you?
More importantly, I was in love with him, truth be known
Yes, yes, I remember
Then you found out he was shagging that drip from Circulation
Which is when I stopped shagging him
I don't think we should be talking about this at the office party
But I always see you two together
He cheated on you, but you stayed friends?
I was head over heels, you know? Everyone knew
Oh, no
- Does it look like I'm crying right now? - No, no, no No, no, no
No, it just looks like it's the smoke from my cigarette
Did he ever actually tell you that he loved you back?
Yes Three, almost four times
and when I've reminded him of that, he said that it must have been
as an answer to a question, which, by the way, it absolutely was not
You know, Iris, when you catch your guy with another woman,
you're not supposed to stay friends with him
You're supposed to never talk to the prick again
You're supposed to throw things at him, scream, call him names,
- not do his blooming laundry - I don't do his laundry
Did someone tell you I do his laundry?
No, no, all we do now is we e-mail
Not when he's with her, of course
Also, when he's not with her, we talk on the phone,
sometimes for hours,
and then there's the occasional long lunch
You know, I never realized how pathetic you are
Really? Oh, God I'm so aware of it
They always know just how to get us, don't they?
He knows whenever he wants to come crawling back into your life
Actually, he has made some small comments like that recently
Well, he hasn't exactly come right out and said it, but he's
- Iris - Yeah?
- Did you file your story? - Oh, no, not yet
Oh! Down to the wire Sorry
Better go
"Groom's best friend spoke for many guests when he said,
"'Hilary will open Edward's eyes
"'and round out his life"'
JASPER: Okay, I've got a question for you
What's it like to be the only person committed to their work
while the rest of us are slumming?
You mean what's it like to be the only person
not to finish their work on time?
Hold on, don't Don't go
Is it fun having a brain that works that fast?
- Shut up - No, I mean it
- Probably a brilliant finish, too - I assure you it's not
- Hi, Simpkey - Hi
Your column today was fantastic God, I loved that line
"The onrushing stripping of dignity and thought from British lives"
Great writing
Hey, I got you something for Christmas
That's convenient, 'cause I got you something, too
Oh, darling, I don't actually have my gift with me
In fact, I've probably mislaid it, but I know I got you something
I expect it's somewhere in my car Do you want to know what it is?
No No, no, that's okay
I know you're gonna look hot in it
Well, let's hope you find it, then
Not exactly something hot, but Happy Christmas
Thank you
I didn't think we'd actually get a chance to do this this year
Remember, last Christmas we exchanged gifts in March
This is good
We're getting better
You stinker
It's a first edition
Where did you find it?
Buried in that little place we found in Covent Garden that time
Why are you so great?
HUGH: Everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Just a couple minutes Thank you
Hate it that we can never talk
Hate it
Well, first of all, a very Happy Christmas to each and every one of you
Now, we're not officially closed, as you very well know,
but we are going to try and get by this week with a smaller than normal staff
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
But before some of you rush off on holiday,
I do have one rather important announcement
Now, this affects Iris
Iris Simpkins, where are you?
- Here, sir - Iris, I have a tip for you
Excellent
A wedding was privately announced earlier today
that I don't believe any other paper in town knows about,
and I want you to be the first to report on this particular union,
as it is between two of our most esteemed colleagues
May I introduce the newly-engaged Sarah Smith-Alcott and Jasper Bloom!
Well, if I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have worn my good suit
Let's celebrate!
Everyone, drink the champagne and eat the canap¨¦s here
so we can save money and elope
(DOG BARKING)
(IRIS SOBBING HYSTERICALLY)
(MOTOR WHIRRING)
(GRUNTS)
Amanda!
Amanda?
(GRUNTS)
Look May I just say again that I did not sleep with her
Right, because your receptionist needs to work till 3:00 in the morning
A bunch of us were working all night She wanted to hang out
Okay Then swear on my life that you didn't sleep with her
Oh, come on
Go ahead
Look, I don't wanna I'm not gonna
Your receptionist, Ethan?
You know, this is why I knew that we were smart never to get married
This is why I told you never to get rid of your house
You know, somewhere inside, I knew this about you
Okay, first of all, can you please calm down? All right?
Because I did not sleep with her All right?
And secondly, we've had problems for over a year,
and I know you don't want to deal with that but we have
Oh, I am well aware we've had problems for the last year
If I work a little bit too much, I never stop hearing about it,
but if you work too much, maestro, it's for the sake of your music
If you work too much?
Amanda, you cut 75 trailers this year,
you put a cutting room in the house
and you sleep with your BlackBerry
And I'm not even gonna have a conversation with you about sex
because I can't remember the last time we did it
Come on, nobody has time for sex
That's not entirely true
That's it!
You absolutely slept with her Seriously, you have to get out
Oh, God
You know what I really think, Ethan?
I don't think you ever really loved me
- How's that? - Oh, please
No, I think you love the idea of you and me, but not so much me Not me Not really
Look, I did the best I could Is anybody good enough for that job?
I will send you your things
You know you do this, right?
I mean, you screw up every relationship you've ever been in
It's what you do
ETHAN: You didn't really want to be a couple!
- You resist it in your own way! - Shut up!
And it's hard to detect how you even do it because nobody's quite as smart as you
So you're hard to catch at it, but it always surfaces, and this is what happens
- What happens? - Things end
Just like you knew they would Amanda, you know how I feel about you
There's nobody like you
You just don't want to be what I need
- Well, not what I need - What?
I mean, you know You know what I mean
You know, I would never cheat on you Not under any conditions
And neither would I, okay?
I mean, look at me, I'm down here sweating like a pig, and look at you
I mean, you're the only woman on the face of the earth
who breaks up with her boyfriend and doesn't even shed a tear?
I mean, that's gotta mean something, right?
Why does it bug you so much that I can't cry?
(AMANDA GROANS)
Oesophageal spasm
God, it's a big one
- No, it's okay I'll be all right - I know, I know
- I'm thinking about me - Ethan, look, it's over
You know, we might as well be honest with each other
Just tell me
Did you sleep with her? Just say it
What's the difference at this point, right? I mean, why torture me? Just
Just put me out of my misery
- God, what are we doing here? - Okay
Yes, okay? I slept with her
Are you happy? I've been sleeping with her She's in love with me She's young
Look, this is not a proud moment for me I mean, you should just know that
Amanda!
- Did you say am I happy? - I didn't mean that
You know, you get me nuts sometimes I say things I don't mean
In the world of love, Ethan, not that I'm such a genius at it,
but in the world of love, cheating is simply not acceptable
No matter what you think
I know you have a very high opinion of yourself
- This isn't all me - Okay
So when you're not in such a rage, I think you'll see that, too
Yeah, maybe
Maybe when I stop having visions of you two together,
I will see your side
You gotta be
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMING)
I punched him in the face
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Is this a bad time? - No
- No, I'm just, I'm just flipping out a little bit - Oh, okay
God Okay, no, I'm okay God, how did this happen? No
You know what? I'm all right
Hi What's up?
Ben needs you
Rebecca Green was just your average 20-year-old
until the father she never knew left her something she never expected
Don't scream
- Your father left you something in his will - I never met my father
Well, at least now you know he was interesting
Deception
- How do you happen to have two guns? - I didn't think one would be enough
Amazing! It finally looks like a hit
And that is why they pay you the big bucks
I think we should just go back to the original cut on the end
- It's so much stronger - I agree
And make Christmas Day twice as big, but try it in a red
Like, a happy red, not, like, a Scorsese red
Happy red
Okay, so we're done
- Okay - All right!
Hey, you know, let's just take off for a few weeks
- Yeah - What do you mean, "Yeah"?
I'm not kidding
You always say that this is our busiest time
I need to get out of town
You know, I think I need some peace and quiet,
or whatever it is people go away for
You know what I really want to do?
I want to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself
You know, I want to read a book, not just a magazine An actual book
For years I read these reviews, I buy the books, but I never read them
Did you read that article in The New York Times last Sunday?
Severe stress makes women age prematurely,
because stress causes the DNA in our cells to shrink
until they can no longer replicate
So when we're stressed, we look haggard
This is just women, not men
I'm sorry
And remember when they used to say that single women over the age of 35
were more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to get married?
Okay, that was horrible, but now our generation is also not getting married
and, bonus, real terrorists actually became part of our lives
so the stress of it all shows up on our faces, making us look haggard
while Ethan goes on looking cute forever and shtupping his 24-year-old receptionist!
Oh, my God!
See what I mean? I need a vacation
Okay Where do I want to go
by myself at Christmas?
By myself, depressed at Christmas
All alone on vacation
Alone, alone Totally alone
(SIGHS)
(SOBBING)
Oh, please, just give me one One tear
Okay, moving on
"Worry-Free Vacations" Good Where's that?
"Kayak for one"? No, thank you
"Vacation Rentals" I could do that
Hole up in a house somewhere Disappear for a few weeks
I like that idea
Where do they speak English?
"Click on a town or city" Let's see
Which looks exactly like the Valley
"A fairy tale English cottage set in a tranquil country garden
"Snuggle up by an old stone fireplace and enjoy a cup of cocoa
"An enchanting oasis of tranquility in a quiet English hamlet,
"just 40 minutes from exciting London"
Yeah
(IRIS SOBBING)
(HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS PLAYING)
(GAS HISSING)
(COUGHING)
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
What am I doing?
(GASPING)
Low point Low point
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
"I'm interested in renting your house"
"I'm wondering if your house is available this Christmas
"because if it is, you could be a real lifesaver"
"I know it's ridiculously late to be asking,
"but if you're at all interested, please contact me"
"I'm very interested, but the cottage is really only available for home exchange"
Home exchange What is that?
"I haven't done it before but friends of mine have"
Where are you?
Please say somewhere far away
LA?
I'm Iris, by the way I'm very normal
Neat freak Healthy Non-smoker
Single
Hate my horrible life
Loner, loser and complicated wreck
Hi
I must say, your house looks idyllic
"Just what I need" Really?
What does your place look like?
My place is nice, but it's a little bigger than yours
(CHUCKLES)
Honestly?
Okay, we are on for two weeks,
starting tomorrow
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- Hi - Hi
- How are you? - Fine
- Honey, we're sitting there - Oh, sorry
Oh, yes, there it is
- Well, hello, dear - Hello
Excuse me
There we go
(EXCLAIMS)
- I'm so sorry - No, no, it's okay Don't worry
- Really, dear Oh, goodness - It's okay
Clumsy me!
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
STEWARDESS: There you go WOMAN: Oh, thanks, love, that looks good
Could I have another glass of Bordeaux, please?
(SIGHS)
MALE NARRATOR: Amanda Woods is proud to present Her Life
She had it all
Yes! That's it!
The job The house The guy
This holiday season find out what Amanda doesn't have
(SIGHS)
This is amazing This is amazing
Oh, look at that!
Madam?
- Madam! - Yeah!
- We're here - Okay
- AMANDA: This can't be it - No, it's just down that lane
But the thing is I'll never be able to turn this round at the other end
Think you can make it from here?
No
(SCREAMS)
You wouldn't happen to know where Rosehill Cottage is?
Right at the bridge and then just keep going way down there
Okay
I'm here!
Holy shit!
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, my God!
(GASPING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(EXCLAIMING)
Okay, that'll be interesting
(WHISTLING)
Gonna get in there Okay!
Cute dress
Oh, suitcase
Okay
Now what?
I can do this
I can drive on the wrong side of the road And the wrong side of the car
Just stay focused
Oh, please do not hit me
(SCREAMS)
Okay, I hate this
(GASPS)
Oh, God Oh, no Oh, no Oh, no
- Move out of the away! - MAN: Watch it!
AMANDA: Sorry Stop!
Oh, God
I need a drink
(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING ON STEREO)
(CASH REGISTER BEEPING)
(GIGGLES)
Someone's having a party tonight
Oh, yeah
MAN ON TV: They went to the shops,
didn't really see anything they liked,
came home and had a big proper kiss and hug The end
NARRATOR: Rebecca Green was just your average 20-year-old
until the father she never knew left her something she never expected
- How do you happen to have two guns? - I didn't think one would be enough
Deception
Christmas Day
And that's why they pay me the big bucks
MAN ON TV: And now the weather
Most of northern England and North Wales
will have sleet and snow in the morning and again later in the day
(EXCLAIMS)
(MR BRIGHTSIDE PLAYING ON STEREO)
(SINGING) Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside
(WHIMPERS)
(BARKING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Blinked Yes!
(SIGHS)
Oh, that's intense
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, no Gate?
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
- Who was he with? - Maggie! The flutes, this is the best part
Hello Hello
- IRIS: Hello? Can you hear me? - Yeah, it's Miles Amanda?
No, I'm sorry Amanda's not here, I'm afraid
I'm trying to figure out how to open the gates
(GATE BUZZING)
- Very nice - lf you heard that, I'm sorry
- Hi! - Hi
- I'm so sorry I'm new at the gate thing - It's okay It was pretty funny
I'm Miles I work with Ethan
- Ethan? - Amanda's ex
Oh, right! Right
Do you know when she'll be back? I'm supposed to pick up a couple things
Amanda's in England, actually On holiday
I'm staying here for a few weeks while she's away
- You okay? - Yes
- Yeah, something just blew into my eye - Oh, I hate that Let me see
Yep, you got something in your eyelash You want me to get it?
- Okay Thanks - Okay
- Yeah, Santa Anas - Pardon?
The wind It's what makes it so warm this time of year
Legend has it when the Santa Anas blow, all bets are off
Anything can happen
That's it
- You okay? - Better Thank you
- So, you needed to - Pick up Ethan's laptop
And, and you're his
Well, I'm a film composer, too, like Ethan, but
- Did you compose this? - This?
- It's beautiful - Yes, I did I wrote this
No, I didn't I wish I did
It's the great Ennio Morricone
Would you mind coming back tomorrow?
I just want to check this with Amanda's assistant
Sure
- I'm Iris, by the way - Miles
- Right - And this is my Maggie
I mean, just Maggie Not my Maggie
- Hello - Hey
- MAGGIE: Are you ready? - Yeah Okay
- Don't blow away! - I won't
(ENGINE STARTS)
Well
Anything can happen
Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve 1:00 am in London
(MACHINERY WHIRRING)
(YAWNS)
(GIGGLES)
(MOANING)
(CLOCK TICKING)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
(DOG BARKING)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
- Who is it? - It's me Hurry up It's freezing
- Who are you? - Iris, open the door,
or I swear I'm gonna take a leak all over your front porch
Oh You're not Iris
Or if you are, I'm much drunker than I realized
I'm sorry for my profanity I wasn't expecting you
Well, I wasn't expecting you, either
Nevertheless, may I just
Oh, yeah, of course, sure, you had to Yeah
- I'm Graham Iris' brother - Oh, brother
Well, I'm Amanda Woods I'm staying here
- Amandawoods? Is that all one word? - No
No, it's not
So Iris is Where is Where is she?
She didn't tell you?
She could've done,
but as previously stated, I'm a
I'm just, I've been on the
- She's in Los Angeles - That's not possible
- Iris never goes anywhere - Well, we have that in common
No, she listed this cottage on a home exchange website and I found it
We switched houses for two weeks for the holiday
She's in LA at my house and I'm here
- People actually do that? - Apparently
Yeah I mean, it seems
Here I am in my pajamas
She did ring me last night I didn't get a chance to get back to her
I feel awful now
Would you mind if I sat? I feel like I might bump into you
Sure Yeah Sit
Oh, God
(GRAHAM SIGHS)
- You okay? - Yeah I'm good
Look, I'm sorry about the intrusion
Although I may not appear it, I am, in fact, Iris' semi-respectable big brother
But on the rare, or lately not so rare,
occasion that I frequent the local pub and get inordinately pissed,
my little sister puts me up so I don't get behind the wheel
Pathetic explanation, but, unfortunately, it's become a bit of a routine
So how's it going so far?
I mean, up until I showed up and ruined your night
(STAMMERING) Well, it's not going so great
Yeah, I'm leaving tomorrow on a noon plane
- Oh When did you get here? - About six hours ago
We've made a great impression on you, haven't we?
No, it's not that It's just that, you know, I'm not quite myself right now
I came here on a stupid whim
Honestly, I've never thought about anything less
It's very unlike me
Would you like something to drink? Glass of water?
Tea? Wine, maybe?
I think there's a bottle of brandy
- You fancy a glass? - Sure
Good
So, I'm sorry, I've totally blanked and forgotten your name
Amanda
So, Amanda, you're not married, are you?
Why? Do I look not married?
No, it was just a backwards way of asking if you were married
No, not at all
Don't know what that means I mean, no, I'm not married
Me, either
Here you go
- Cheers - Cheers
So is it horrible if I stay?
I'll be gone before you even wake up
I promise you will never lay eyes on me again
- No, that's fine Sure - Thank you
Let me just get you a blanket
In the cupboard on top of the Scrabble
So why is it you aren't quite yourself at the moment?
Well, I just broke up with someone
- Yesterday - Ah
And I guess what I was feeling was that I didn't want to be alone over the holidays,
and I thought that if I was somewhere else that I wouldn't realize that I was alone
But then I got here, and I've never felt more alone in my life
Big surprise
- Bet you're glad you knocked on this door - I am, actually
Yeah, well
- Sorry and good night - Sweet dreams
Do you think you could
Would you mind trying that again?
Bad?
Weird
- Kissing a total stranger - Really?
I do it all the time
Let me try this
Maybe if I closed my eyes
(AMANDA MOANING)
You know, given that I'm in a bit of a personal crisis
and I find myself in a total stranger's home
in a town that I can't actually remember the name of
and considering that you showed up and you're, like, insanely good-looking
and really drunk and probably won't remember me anyway,
I'm thinking we should have sex
If you want
- Is that a trick question? - I'm actually serious
And not that this matters, but I've never said anything like that in my entire life before
It's just that this whole knowing
that I'll never see you again thing is kind of exciting
I mean, this is what a vacation's supposed to be, right?
You're supposed to vacate your life, do the unexpected,
and you are definitely unexpected
This all sounded really wonderful till I became the cabana boy
You're funny, which is like a bonus
- Yeah? - Yeah
- Never meet me when I'm sober - Deal
Oh, also I should warn you
I'm not very good at this
- This being? - Sex
Okay, now that cannot be true
Nevertheless, the guy that I lived with mentioned it once or twice
and a girl does not forget a comment like that Not even me
I mean
I mean, how bad could I be? I mean, sex is pretty basic, right?
- Am I pretty much talking you out of this? - Strangely, not at all
- How do you feel about foreplay? - I think it's overrated
Significantly overrated
You are quickly becoming one of the most interesting girls I've ever met
Look at you
You're already better than you think